Forgiving yourself???

Dear Sisters,
I will never forget my first women's retreat. I had never been to a woman's retreat before, because we just never had the money. But one year my husband really wanted me to go. The LORD provided the entire sum of money and so off I went with a friend. My husband stayed behind with our very young children.
It was an incredible retreat. I learned so much from the godly women who sang and shared God's Word. It was really the refreshment that I needed at the time. The last night of the retreat I was so glad that I had come and shared this with the ladies during a time of talk and testimony.
Before we were to finally depart for our homes, though, the leader asked that we gather into small groups for prayer. As we held hands with our eyes closed, we were to ask the LORD if there was anyone in our life that we needed to forgive. And if so, we were to ask the LORD to help us finally forgive that person and go home free.
Well, as I sat there, I quickly thought, "There is no one that I need to forgive. I am at peace with everyone in my life." But as the leader persisted in reminding us to ask the LORD who we needed to forgive, I did so.
"Is there anyone I need to forgive in my life, LORD?" I prayed.
This is very, very unusual for me. But immediately in my mind, without any warning, came these Words, "Laine, you need to forgive yourself."
I was shocked. I never thought of her.
Forgive Laine? How could I? That person had sat under the Word of God for years and still went against His will. I was sure that I could never forgive that person. I couldn't believe the strong emotion that swept over me as I heard the speaker say, "God has forgiven you. You need to forgive whoever God calls you to forgive. It is time to finally forgive and be free."
"Laine, you need to forgive yourself."
I wrestled with the thought. How many other people in this room were forgiving themselves. It couldn't be possible. Who ever heard of forgiving oneself, I thought.
"Laine, you need to forgive yourself."
I don't think much time had passed since I sat there with my head bowed. But I did what I thought quite impossible. I forgave myself.
I forgave myself because Jesus had forgiven me years ago. And it was time to finally walk in His Freedom. I didn't have any experience at forgiving myself, but the LORD helped me to do what I thought quite impossible.
"And behold, there was a woman who for eighteen years had had a sickness caused by a spirit; and she was bent double, and could not straighten up at all. And when Jesus saw her, He called her over and said to her,
'Woman, you are freed from your sickness.' And He laid His hands upon her; and immediately she was made erect again, and began glorifying God." Luke 13:11-13
Without a doubt, I walked out of that room erect that weekend. For the first time in years. I began glorifying God. I had been "bent double" for so many years and bound by guilt that I forgot what it felt like to walk erect and free.
You see, I expected to suffer. I expected to be rebuffed. I expected no mercy. So, without fully realizing it, I had refused to forgive myself. I wanted to make sure I suffered, to make sure I felt rebuffed, and to make sure I was shown no mercy. For that is what I justly deserved.
No wonder that in my fourth pregnancy I became terribly depressed. And under the guise of prenatal illness, I took to my bed to try to sleep away my sorrow and forget that I existed. When I lost that baby in my fifth month of pregnancy, I felt sure that I was now being shown what I could have only expected in the first place. Suffering, rebuff, and no mercy.
But my Father would not let me suffer. My Father would not let me be rebuffed. My Father showed me only mercy. How could He, you say, when He allowed your baby to die? I don't know how to adequately answer that, except to say that when my baby died I finally ran into my Father's arms. I came Home for good. It was soon after losing this baby that I went to that retreat and forgave myself. A forgiveness that my Father had extended years ago and was now fully realized by me.
"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD, "Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool." Isaiah 1:18
"But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on 'her', and put a ring on 'her' hand and sandals on 'her' feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this 'daughter' of mine was dead, and has come to life again, 'she' was lost, and has been found. And they began to be merry." Luke 15:22-24
Finally I wore His best robe, His finest sandals, and His beautiful ring. Finally I clung to Him like never before and hung onto His every Word. I never, no never, want to be apart from Him ever again. My Father has blessed me more than I can say.
Freeing Forgiveness. Even extended to myself.
The ring is on my finger; my hand is on His Arm; and He's leading me erectly into The Feast. I can hear the angels singing as I gaze into His Lovely, Lovely Face.
Love,
Laine